April 17, 2019
MY CORNER by Boyd Cathey
Latest Essay on “Russian Collusion” in THE AGONIST – A New Journal
Friends,
In these days when intelligent conversation and an
appreciation for wisdom and genuine learning appear to have fallen by the
wayside with a nasty thud—when good writing has all but disappeared from the public
square—it is not often that we can point to the appearance of a new journal of real
value, intelligence, and intellectual significance. After all, one can count
mostly on one hand the voices online or in print form that actually and
substantially defend not only the corpus of our Western civilization, but do so
with insight and thoughtful examination and good writing.
Just recently the online quarterly, THE AGONIST, made its appearance with its Winter 2019 issue. Just
recently the Spring 2019 issue was published [http://theagonist.org/index.html ]. Here
is how the journal describes itself:
A journal of
essays, reviews, fiction, poetry, and more, The Agonist was created
to provide a medium for writing that is not well-served in today’s intellectual
climate…. Race, gender, sexual orientation—these things, in our
view, are not aesthetic criteria, and therefore do not factor into what we
publish, review, or publish criticism on. Plainly it is not so at many other
journals, where mankind’s endless project of improvement entails the belief
that fiction, poetry, and so forth, are meritorious because written by a
woman, a person of color, a homosexual, or whoever. Going against that PC
grain, we seek to preserve intellectual and aesthetic standards in a time when
they are increasingly threatened. Above all, we seek to publish good
writing—where good means, at the least, interesting and well-wrought.
And in the
Spring issue there is a small trifle, a satire which I authored regarding the
so-called “Russia Collusion/Russia Did It!” scam that has been foisted off and
inflicted upon this nation for over two years and is without doubt the most
heinous and outrageous attempt in our history, certainly since the War Between
the States, to undermine the republic. And in this case, to essentially,
engineer a “silent” coup d’etat to not only reverse the results of a national
election, but to overthrow a sitting president. Not only that, it is an effort
that continues, that involves not just the near entirety of the national (and
local) media, but the totality of one political party (and major portions of
the other), our corrupted intel agencies, a considerable portion of our
judicial system, and most of our educational institutions and academia.
Thus, my little satire which comes at the very moment when the “Mueller Report”—that bogus exercise at prolonging this coup and adding to
it, at least through the 2020 election—will apparently see the light of day.
I hope it will cause you to crack a smile, even as you
reflect on the decay and utter rot of our American institutions and the decline
of our once-great republic:
THE AGONIST Spring 2019 Issue
Coming Clean on How I Engineered
the Trump Victory
Well, finally my cover
has been blown! You see, for several years I’ve been writing articles giving a
more nuanced, even somewhat favorable, view of Russia and, in particular, its
current leader Vladimir Putin, than what we get from the mainstream media,
though the fact that I’ve based my articles on serious and heavily researched
sources (which I’ve vetted and cross-examined before using) has made no
difference to the woke reporters and journalists.
Since I also “came out”
as a Trump supporter back in 2015, publicly and in print, have kept both a
Trump bumper sticker and a “Putin for President”
sticker on the back of my car, and have attempted to raise serious doubts about
“the Russians did it!” narrative concerning the outcome of the 2016
Presidential Election, the one “progressive” friend I had left won’t have
anything to do with me.
“Boyd, you must be an
agent of the Russians!” she exclaimed recently when I encountered her at the
local Walmart. (Frankly, I was surprised to see her there, it being a hangout
for “deplorables,” but there was a sale on Amy Schumer CDs).
Yes, that’s what this
so-called friend told me this past weekend. So, now I feel that I must finally
come clean and reveal all—that’s right, all—about how my pal Vladimir and I
stole the election from poor Hillary and gave it to the Donald.
It was in early August
2016, after the Republican National Convention. I flew over secretly on one of
those luxurious Ilyushin jets to a secret former KGB air base outside Moscow.
Happily, I’ve kept transcripts of the conversations I had. All they had to
drink in-flight was rot-gut Vodka, so when I asked for some Jack Daniels, I got
an uncomprehending reply:
“Ve don’t got dat; ve
got wodka. You like wodka?” the hard-faced attendant said curtly.
Well, after my ten-hour
flight and fifteen shots of rot-gut “wodka,” unrelieved by any mixer, I was
ready to meet Vladimir Putin, my ultimate spymaster. Here’s how it went (I was
a bit tipsy at the beginning, so excuse the informality of my transcript):
“Hello, Blad…I mean
Vlad! I’m Boyd…you know, from North Carolina. Long live the Confederate States
of America! You got any Jack Daniels ‘round here?”
President Putin
responded: “Dr. Cathey, we are delighted to have you visit Russia, and we are
deeply appreciative of your work on our behalf.” (Of course, this was via a
translator, although I have been told that Putin does speak English.)
“We want to talk to you
about a possible operation to influence the election. You see, we have had a
couple of top agents assisting our efforts—Boris Badinoff and Natasha Popitoff.
But they have increasingly demonstrated that their intelligence gathering
efforts are rather weak, almost, as we say here in Russia, cartoonish.”
I piped up: “So, Plad—I
mean Vlad—how can I be of service? You just let me know and, you know, given my
millions of contacts and tremendous influence, I will make sure that Trump wins
and defeats Hillary. You got it?”
Putin looked at me
quizzically. “But, Dr. Cathey, how can you possibly do that? I mean both the
US and Russia engage in deep hacking and have done so for many years. All major
powers do. Sometimes it is successful, and sometimes it is not. But how can you
possibly affect the election? The voting machines in the states are not
connected to the internet, and each state has its own voting system. Many still
use paper ballots. It seems to me that what you are talking about is an
impossibility. Besides, Hillary is an awful candidate—our foreign policy
forecasters think that she will lose, despite all of her prostituted pollsters
and favorable media coverage in America.”
Beginning to come out
from under my wodka-induced stupor, I answered, “Well, you see, I have
developed a plan; it is very detailed and sure to succeed. All you have to do
is be honest. Just hack into the Democratic National Committee and get the
e-mails of John Podesta, Donna Brazile, and others, released out to the press.
That will help convince voters that Hillary shouldn’t be elected.
“Plus, I have a network
of 150,000 faithful, clandestine sub-agents who will travel to every state and
get on local election committees, and then, while the other committee members
aren’t looking, they will alter the vote totals. It’s perfect.
“The final piece
de resistance [that’s French for the icing on the cake,
for the folks down in rural Johnston County, NC] is that I will encourage
10,000 other sub-agents who, while pretending to be Clintonista Leftists, will
go up and down California, Oregon, Washington, and all around New York City and
Chicago to gin up the Clinton votes in those states and cities. They’ll make
sure Hillary gets well over two million votes more than Trump.
“After all that, how
could any intelligent observer charge you with deciding the
election when two-million more voters vote for Hillary?
“Don’t worry,
Vlad—I got it covered.”
Putin smiled broadly
and stated in measured tones: “Dr. Cathey, I like what I am hearing. But let me
ask: If this plan, as you call it, is to succeed, what will it cost me? I mean
you are talking about at least 160,000 trained, secret operatives to effect
this plan. Is this at all possible?”
“Well,” I said, “I’ve
got some great connections. In the military, I know General Billy Jack
Ripper—you know, the grandson of the late General Jack Ripper—who was made famous
by that film Dr. Strangelove many years ago in the darkest days of
the Cold War. He’s got thousands of contacts who will do our bidding. And I
know of lots of unprincipled, amoral liberals who will help in California and
New York. I will promise them all transgender operations and lifetime supplies
of vegan quiche and lattes at Starbucks. Oh, could you foot the bill for those
things?”
“I will refer those
requests to my adjutant, Dmitri Upchuk,” Putin replied, gesturing toward a
nearby aide. “Dmitri can handle those arrangements.”
At this point I was
more than satisfied that my superior negotiating skills were paying off.
Indeed, I began to think of myself as a kind of second John Kerry! Well,
perhaps not on the same august level, but certainly formidable.
“One more question, Dr.
Cathey,” Putin interjected. “Julian Assange and Wikileaks have already got thousands
of DNC e-mail messages and tried, unsuccessfully, to hack the RNC.
Wikileaks already has enough data to reveal the dishonesty and
crass disdain of the Hillary campaign. Wikileaks has a mole, in fact, several
moles, within the DNC. I believe the one who gave them those messages is a
400-pound former Bernie Sanders supporter who remains very embittered by what
the DNC and Hillary did to him.”
“The Mainstream Media,
Hillary, and even some Republican elites will probably end up blaming you if
Hillary should lose,” I responded, “even though the data released is
incontrovertible and beyond doubt. It all reminds me of a true story that took
place down in Harnett County—that’s down in rural North Carolina, in case you
don’t know. [At that point, Putin ordered an aide to bring him a map of North
Carolina.] There was a man who was walking by his neighbor’s house, and he
happened to look in the window. There he saw his neighbor beating his wife to
a pulp, so he reported him to the sheriff. Well, when the case came
to trial, the neighbor blamed the man who looked through the window for his own
act of abuse. In other words, he blamed the messenger.
“That, it seems to me,
is what you’ll need to prepare for, even if Assange is the one who did the
research and released the adverse data. The media and the Clintonistas, with
their political appointees in the US intelligence agencies, will want to cast
you as the boogieman. You’re an easy target—former KGB, anti-gay rights,
pro-traditional marriage, and now a returnee to the Christian faith which
you strongly support: all those things that our fashionable elites, not just on
the Left but also on the so-called Neoconservative Right, despise.”
“Dr. Cathey,” Putin
then declared, “if they do that, we will demand in the strongest language that
they produce the proof that it was us who revealed the e-mails.”
“They won’t do that,” I
said. “They will say that such details are top secret. So all they will do is
leak to the mainstream media and have Obama and Hillary blame you and your
country for Clinton’s loss, if she should lose.”
Putin quickly added:
“But all superpowers engage in hacking. Wikileaks already has the e-mails, so
anything we do now is superfluous. Anyway, if Obama and Hillary use this ploy,
I will, indeed, demand to see their proof, and not just some anonymous and
unnamed reports.”
Here I inquired
delicately about what amount of remuneration I might receive for my services to
world peace, truth and justice, and the bringing on of the Eschaton. Putin,
with nonchalance, told me to go back to North Carolina, and that after the
success of my plan I would receive a handsome payment (in rubles) in my Credit
Union checking account. As of this writing, I am still waiting for that, though
I am more than satisfied that my complicated work in engineering the 2016
election for Donald Trump, and ensuring that Hillary got over two million more votes
than the Donald, was a major blow for American liberty and our future.
Considering Trump’s
victory, I wish to thank Representative Adam Schiff, the journalists at
CNN—especially Don Lemmon and Chris Cuomo—and Rachel Maddow and other persons
too numerous to mention at MSNBC and in the major media, for through their
hysterical Russophobia and hatred for President Trump, they diverted all
attention from my efforts to change history.
My only complaint in
the whole affair came on the way back from Moscow on that same Ilyushin jet:
the rot-gut wodka was even worse, so much so that instead of fifteen shots, I
had twenty-five. I might as well get so drunk that I can’t taste the stuff, I
reasoned. Yet when I landed at a top-secret airfield out here in the wilds of
rural eastern Wake County, NC, I was so tipsy that I couldn’t drive or even
manipulate my way to my parked and camouflaged 2006 Kia Spectra (which I
mistook for an overweight blue elephant, with Trump and Putin stickers affixed to
it). I had to hitch hike my way back home.
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